Stuffy Noses Omake
by Meruhen Wind
Summary: Because 10tative didn't want me to delete Chapter 6 of Stuffy Noses, and I'm a pushover. Chapter 3: Tips for Arguing like Sasuke and Naruto! [Companion fic to Stuffy Noses]
1. Uchiha Sasuke's 577 Talents

Author's Note: Because people didn't seem to want my list of Sasuke talents to disappear. Therefore, the birth of this relatively pointless collection of "omake" (as **10tative** called it) was born. Here is where you'll find pretty pointless author's notes from my Stuffy Noses Chapters.

For the sake of curiosity (and because **10tative** wanted me to give a list of all of Sasuke's 578 talents and non-talents.)

…well, I can't really post _all_ 578 talents, seeing as I couldn't make Sasuke-kun hold still and tell me all of them.

That said, I want to say three things I haven't stated flat out in the fic:

* * *

1) According to Uchiha Sasuke, he has precisely 578 talents and a whooping 12 non-talents. Who knew the Uchiha genius _wasn't_ perfect? –scoffs– 

2) Hyuuga Hinata has exactly 630 talents. 214 of them involve medicine, 5 involve the Byakugan, 306 involve the delicate art of blushing, 44 involve plants, 20 involve tea, 37 involve personality traits, and the remaining 4 involve geniuses.

3) Uchiha Sasuke has a secret obsession for list-making.

* * *

That said, let's move on to the list!

* * *

_10 of Uchiha Sasuke's 578 Talents (in Numerical Order)_

#05: Cutting his own hair in the unique and somewhat disturbing shape of a duck's bottom. While refusing to comment when said talent was brought up, Uchiha Sasuke has had this talent from early childhood and enjoys cutting his hair in the same shape even today.

(Chances of him keeping this same strange hairstyle even when he grows up to be a troubled teen: 89.39 percent.)

-

#38: Ability to keep a deadpan face no matter what. Currently Uchiha Sasuke's preferred talent and the talent that is used most often. Is closely tied to Talent #42: Having the emotional display of a rock.

(Usage Rate: 92.54 percent. The rest of the time, Talent #49: Making somewhat angsty life-defining speeches is in use.)

-

#53: Social Discretion. Uchiha Sasuke is very, very in tune with his emotional side and will cater to others' vulnerabilities and desires. Just as long as he _feels like it_.

(Probability Rate of Using Talent: 0.0000108 percent)

-

#81: Easily (or maybe not so easily) taking down a mediocre ninja. While an important talent for survival in the ninja world and the cause for many of Konoha girls' dreamy sighs, Sasuke's fighting skills are not important. His stubborn arrogance and blind pride, not to mention difficult-to-understand genius temperament are.

(Relevance to the Story: 11.32 percent)

-

#268: Beating Naruto at anything in the whole wide world, so there! Declared as a talent as a nine year old, Uchiha Sasuke has since then matured. Talent #268 has been renamed since then to "beating the dobe at anything that could ever possibly matter, so hmph."

(Probability to this talent applying to Hyuuga's affections: presently, -99.98 percent. In the long run???)

-

#302: Detecting emotion in people's voices. Easier to perform with the some of the Rookie Nine than with others. Example: Naruto yelling at the top of his lungs and adding a bunch of 'dattebayo's.' Obviously inspirational. Sakura saying anything to Sasuke. Lovey dovey. Shikamaru muttering five syllables right after each other. No matter what, annoyance. Shino? …the great genius that is Uchiha Sasuke is still trying to figure that out.

(Success Rate: With the average ninja, 98.76 percent. With the Aburame clan, 03.001 percent)

-

#573: Making Hyuuga Hinata blush. Discovered in Chapter 1, this talent is shared by practically everyone else in Konoha. Not that, of course, Sasuke will admit that. Currently ranks in the top 10 as one of Sasuke's favorite talents.

(Probability that Sasuke will ever become as gifted as Naruto at this talent: none)

-

#578: Making Hinata give an honest-to-goodness smile. Recently developed, the talent has yet to see much use. As the evil, prophetic author that I am, however, I predict that Uchiha Sasuke will attempt to use this talent the most from here on out.

(Success Rate???)

-

And, of course, finally:

The Lost Talent, #577.

#577: Overcoming a non-talent. Yup, Uchiha Sasuke has few non-talents, but he'll never go against them. However, he struggled against non-talent #03 in order to be a better listener to Hinata. Yay for Sasuke-kun. Hinata really_ is_ a good influence on him. :D

(Probability of Occurring Near Hinata: 48.32 percent)

* * *

A bit of background on this: this excuse of a chapter was written because **10tative** noticed that between New Talents #576 and #578 in the story, #577 was never listed. And I'll admit that the reason why, is…because I can't count. I forgot to add a #577, so I chose to add it here. Sorry 'bout that. 


	2. Useful Tips by Rock Lee

Author's Note: Because I'm absolutely lazy and have not updated in the last two weeks. (Although I honestly had an excuse this time. Dumb power outage messed up my computer. I typed this completely new file on a friend's laptop.)

This time around, I shall be writing about Rock Lee and his wonderfully sage/youthful/whatever other flowery adjective you want to insert here/ etiquette rules.

* * *

Three things that you might not have known about this advice is:

1) Lee's advice has been hailed as "marvelously practical for everyday life". Unfortunately, this compliment came from a rather-biased Maito Guy.

2) 74.69 percent of Lee's advice is directly copied from _Guy-sensei's Manual for Living out Your Youth, Yosh! _Now available through Konoha Publications. ISBN # 444-3-64-238563-0.

3) Lee's advice has an average of a 16 success rate, 24 fail rate, and a 60 chance of people looking at you weirdly.

That said, I shall now post some of my favorite pieces of advice:

* * *

_Rock Lee's Youthful Tips for the Common Pre-Adolescent Ninja (Category 18: Dealing with the Illustrious Hyuuga Clan) _

Situation #19: You find yourself in the dilemma of having a cold-minded, prodigy desk partner with strange, colorless eyes and a very weird obsession with fate.

Rock Lee's Comment: "First of all, I would like you to know that I have dealt with this kind of problem before with successful results. Neji-er…I mean, the desk partner that shall go unnamed for now for the sake of privacy, was at that point a very unfriendly ninja. Nevertheless, there were various successful tactics that I used to break the ice between us:"

Tips: -tap him on the shoulder, smile very widely, and say hello. When your desk mate glares at you and turns away, repeat the procedure as many times as necessary before he smiles back.

-in the event that your desk mate has long hair, compliment its natural sheen and pretty texture. When his face begins to grow red from happy embarrassment, offer to comb it and get all of those evil tangles out.

-give him a highly fashionable green spandex outfit as a show of good will and generosity on your part. When he modestly refuses to accept it, sneak it into his desk when he's not looking.

_Warning: In case your desk mate reacts violently to any of the tips listed above, have some refreshing ice stored away to treat your youthful bruises._

* * *

Situation #34: You have to visit the Hyuuga compound to pick up a teammate, classmate, or object

Rock Lee's Comment: "Very few people will ever have to undertake this difficult task. For those who are required or desperate enough to do so, I encourage them to make sure that they have enough speed, skill, and bravery to undertake this mission. I can only provide the following tips for them:"

Tips: -do not mention the words 'clan' in front of any elderly-looking Hyuuga. They will launch into a comprehensive explanation of Hyuuga history that, while quite interesting to me, seemed to have a less than positive effect on Tenten.

-enter the compound with your mind focused on the goal. When your teammate, classmate, or object is in sight, grab a hold of them and run towards safety. If necessary, wear camouflage clothing. If your teammate rolls their eyes and calls you paranoid, explain to them the horrors of their clan.

-Listen politely when your teammate goes off in a rant of their own about the clan. Nod and smile. You will be listening for a long time.

_Note: This does not occur with all Hyuuga, but mainly with prodigies._

* * *

Situation #62: You have a debt and a deep, unknown bond with an Hyuuga heiress for her kind, giving nature and for the fact that she has healed your illness

Rock Lee's Comment: "Eh? Why is it that you want to know _that_? Is Hinata-san really proving to be a miraculous medic-nin? …after all, healing a stuffy nose is nothing short of saving your life, Sasuke-san! S-stop g-g-glaring at me. It takes away any charm in your y-y-youthful face and is very u-unbecoming! Hinata-san will never appreciate such a face!"

Tips: "…Sasuke-san? Going off in a youthful huff will surely not impress Hinata-sama either!"

* * *

Author's Note: And there you have it. Rock Lee and his marvelous, youthful tips. With a cameo by the youthful Sasuke. Fortunately for Lee, Sasuke is still a very young twelve year old and has not yet learned any lethal jutsus. Yet. This list was inspired, obviously, by Chapter 3. That, and because it's always been a dream of mine to give Lee his own advice column. Sadly enough, this is about as far as it'll get.

That said, I would appreciate it very much if you review. If only to know, after all, that people are okay with me moving Chapter 6 of Stuffy Noses into this "Omake". Which, in my opinion, hardly merits its name. Oh well. :D


	3. Tips for Arguing like Sasuke and Naruto!

**Author's Note**: Inspired by Chapter 9. Because seeing Naruto and Sasuke appears to be fun for some people, and personally, I'm one of them. (:

Um, let's see. This is the first omake chapter that doesn't have a reference someway or another to Hinata, but it _does_ include Sasuke. And Naruto, obviously. And, just for the record, this chapter takes place after Stuffy Noses, when Naruto and Sasuke are already part of Team 7. Today, I will be writing about their argument tips. (:

Unlike the last two chapters, I'm not listing 3 things that you didn't know things you didn't know this time around. Instead, I'm listing _seven_.

Seven things you didn't know about Naruto and Sasuke's legendary arguing is:

1) The two entered the Annual Konoha Fighting Contest. Contrary to what might be expected by the title of the contest and the fact that Konoha is a ninja village, the contest actually consists of verbal argument.

2) Naruto and Sasuke took a close second place, beating Neji and Lee's "knitting: hard work vs. fate" routine, but losing to Sakura and Ino's 'All is Fair in Love in War' montage.

3) When asked about his decision, the Third Hokage, who was in charge of judging the contest, declared that 'catfights trumped classic-anime-rivalry any day.'

4) For the first time since meeting, Naruto and Sasuke agreed on something. The Third was just plain crazy.

5) Catfights, after all, were something to stay away from: in Naruto's case, before he got beat up for annoying Sasuke, and in Sasuke's case, before he got fought over like a toy without rights for...well, being Sasuke.

6) Immediately after actually agreeing with each other, both Naruto and Sasuke experienced an awkward silence as a sense of brotherhood surrounded them.

7) Five seconds later, however, they began arguing on whose fault it was they lost to a couple of _girls_.

How _do_ Naruto and Sasuke manage to pull off their constant arguing? That's what this chapter's for, of course!

* * *

_Arguing tips with Naruto and Sasuke!_

"Right! It's nice to see you guys have come to me for advice. After all, I AM the undefeated champion of arguing!"

"Sure. The undefeated champion of arguing like an idiot, if that's what you mean."

"Aw, be quiet! You're just mad because I'm the only one with enough guts to challenge you!"

"If 'guts' means the same thing as 'stupidity', you're actually right for once."

"Arrgh, just stop talking, you jerk! They want me to give them arguing tips!"

"Read the full title, you moron. They want me to talk too."

"Grrr...fine! Do whatever you want! I'm gonna start talking now!"

* * *

_Naruto Tip# 1: Never take 'no' for an answer!_

"Hey jerk!"

"What do you want now, idiot?"

"Admit I'm a better ninja than you!"

"No."

"Admit it!"

"No."

"Dumb Sasuke! Didn't you hear me give the tip? I'm not taking no for an answer!"

"...so as long as I don't say no, you'll listen to me?"

"Sure! Now will you admit I'm a better ninja than you?"

"...fat chance."

_Naruto Tip #1 rewritten: Never take 'no' for an answer. Or in the jerk's case, 'fat chance' either._

* * *

_Naruto Tip #2: Add a '-ttebayo' to the end of your arguments. It makes them sound cooler! Oh, and if you're uncomfortable adding words that belong to a foreign language into your speech, 'believe it' will do just fine!_

"Sasuke, quit acting like an arrogant jerk-ttebayo!"

"There's a simple reason I'm arrogant: I'm better than you."

"No way! I'm Hokage material, and I eat more ramen, which means I'm definitely better than you-"

"...you're an idiot."

"-Believe it!"

_Naruto Tip #2 rewritten: ...uh, you might want to time your 'believe it's'._

"…figures."

"_What_ figures?"

"Figures that a dobe would give that kind of low-level advice."

"Hmph! I don't see _you_ trying, you jerk!"

"…"

"Ha! At least I can give _some_ advice! You're just scared because you know you give lousy advice!"

"Be quiet, dobe!"

* * *

_Sasuke Tip #1: Keep a cool tone at all costs. It projects the perfect 'I'm-better-than-you-so-I've-already-won-the-argument-so-you're-just-humiliating-yourself' aura._

"See? _That_ was good advice."

"What? All that proves is that you're a jerk with people problems!"

"Hmph."

* * *

_Sasuke Tip #2: Add the words 'idiot', 'moron', and 'dead last' into your sentences._

"Hey, Sasuke! I just remembered! Kakashi said that we were supposed to meet at the park yesterday at ten thirty. If we hurry up, we might get there before he shows up."

"Idiot."

"Huh?"

"…dead last."

"…fine. I'll just go with Sakura-chan, then."

"Moron."

_Sasuke Tip #2, revised: Make sure to add those words even when they make no sense and are completely uncalled for._

* * *

_Sasuke Tip #3: Start an argument for pointless reasons to make the dobe mad._

"Hey, dobe."

"Yeah?"

"...your kunai is blunter than mine again. Looks like I really _am_ the better kunai-sharpener."

"What the heck! Grr, that's a lie, and you know it-ttebayo!"

_Sasuke Tip #3, revised: Okay. So maybe the pointless reason might undermine your supposed genius, but it still makes the dobe mad. Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made._

"Hey, Sasuke, what do you mean, 'sacrifices have to be made'?"

"..."

"Come to think of it, why _do_ you like seeing me angry?"

"..."

"I wonder if this has anything to do with the speech Kakashi-sensei gave me on how I'm the closest thing you have to family..."

"!"

"Nah, couldn't be. You're just a class-A jerk, that's all."

"...idiot."

"JERK!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Um...I really do have nothing to say this time. And since I'm feeling completely unoriginal after typing Chapter 9 AND this out, I think I'll just insert the standard 'please read and review' ending. Yup, that'll work. 

Please read and review!

There. I think that'll do. (:


End file.
